| Be
Thankful Even If You Don't Feel Like It |
| By Ron Culberson, Humor Columnist |
| My wife says I'm grumpy. My nephews say I'm not as fun as
I used to be. My friend Michael says I'm just a bitter old
man. So I've gotten a bit cynical over the past few years.
Big deal. I've seen a lot of crap in my life. The tour in
Nam. The divorce. The never-ending headaches and back spasms
from the "crash." Oh wait, those didn't happen to
me. Never mind. |
| Actually, I don't have a good reason to be cynical. And
yet I'm darn good at it. You know what I think it is? I think
it's because I focus on the wrong things my "don't
have's" instead of my "do have's." |
| As the holidays approach at reindeer speed, it's easy to
focus on the wrong things by getting caught up in the cleaning,
the decorating, the cooking, the baking, the shopping and
the pretending that we actually like our relatives. |
| So this year, let's sit back, get a cup of eggnog, throw
a splash or 10 of bourbon in it and spend this special time
of the year thinking about all we take for granted. |
| For instance… |
| If you're feeling old, be thankful that you're still getting
old (things get bad fast when you stop getting old). |
| If you have aches and pains, be thankful that you can have
pains without being one. |
| If you have a crummy job, be thankful that you have a job
and that you could find another job if you wouldn't spend
all your time complaining about your crummy job. |
| If you get too many emails, be thankful that you're so popular…and
that you have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to inherit
money from dead Nigerian royalty which can be used to purchase
a mortgage, drugs from Canada or anatomical enhancements. |
| If your children are a challenge for you, be thankful for
time out because the longer you stay in time out, the less
you have to deal with them. |
| If your clothes fit more snugly than they used to, be thankful
that the tightness is not nearly as problematic as the style
of your clothes, which, by the way, went out of date in the
1980's. |
| If you're losing your hair, be thankful that balding men
are sexy, virile, handsome and much more appealing to women
than those girly men with wavy mousse-filled follicles (Not
that I'm sensitive about this). |
| If you have relationship problems, it's probably your fault.
Be thankful now that you know and change how you relate to
others. |
| If you're unhappy with the government, be thankful that
you live in a country where you're free to be unhappy with
the government. |
| If you never get the parking spot near the mall door, be
thankful for the exercise you get while walking from the far
end of the parking lot (see "If your clothes fit more
snugly" above). |
| If you're a bad driver, be thankful that you're not alone
since everyone but me seems to be a bad driver. |
| If you're having financial problems, be thankful that you
don't owe anyone in New Jersey money and that 16 percent interest
with MasterCard is better than getting whacked. |
| If your husband watches too much TV, be thankful that you
have a TV and that he's not bugging you instead. |
| If you have a clunker of a car, be thankful that you don't
have to worry about fender benders, door dings and bird crap. |
| If you find yourself struggling with the meaning of life,
be thankful that even though you're apparently not smart enough
to figure it out, everyone else also struggles with the meaning
of life and you're just self-assured enough to admit it. |
| If you have trouble being thankful, be thankful for Britney
Spears, Paris Hilton and Michael Jackson, who prove that there
are lots of people much worse off than you. |
| Now, don't you feel better? |
| I hope you continue to have a thankful holiday season. Until
next time, just humor me. |
