| Middle
Age is a Moving Target |
| Ever notice that "middle age" is a moving target? When I
was in college, middle age was about 30 years old. Now that
I'm 43, I haven't yet reached it. Though I don't consider
myself old, my body tries to convince me that I am. The aches
and pains come more frequently in places I didn't know I had.
I scored a personal record last week when I visited the bathroom
four times in one night. And the bald spot on my head is growing
no matter how much Rogaine, Propecia or Miracle Grow I put
on it. |
| But nothing on my journey to middle age has caused me more
frustration than the widespread corruption in the printing
industry. Two weeks after turning 40, I accidentally discovered
that senior executives in charge of printed materials in our
country had unilaterally decided to save paper and money by
using smaller fonts and lighter ink. |
| I first stumbled on this change while dining at a fine local
restaurant (I've withheld the name of the establishment because
of their naïve role in this conspiracy). Our table was dimly
lit for ambiance and the waiter was quite professional. He
promptly brought our drinks and menus. In hungry anticipation,
I opened the three-foot long menu and immediately summoned
the waiter. |
| "The printing on this menu is blurred." I said. "May I have
another one?" |
| "Certainly," he replied. |
| When he brought the second menu, I almost walked out. I
couldn't believe he thought he could bring the same menu back
and I wouldn't notice. I leaned over to my wife and said,
"How rude is this?" |
| She looked at my menu and said, "What's the problem?" |
| "The printing is blurred," I said. |
| "It looks fine to me," she said with a "please don't embarrass
me" tone. |
| I grabbed the menu and looked again. This time, I noticed
that it was printed in some sort of 3-D font that got clearer
as I moved it away from my eyes. As I experimented bringing
it back and forth, my wife suggested that the problem might
be my eyes. |
| Preposterous. |
| I've had trouble seeing things at a distance, but never
close up. She reminded me that at our age, not middle age
mind you, this happens. Of course, she's an engineer, not
an optometrist so I suggested that her diagnosis was nothing
more than an optical illusion. So there! |
| For several months, my up-close vision got worse. One day,
I found myself at the reading glasses carousel in the pharmacy
of the local Giant. Coincidentally, there were 20 people in
line to pick up prescriptions that day, and to pass the time,
they were all looking at me. |
| I hoped they were thinking that I was way too young for
reading glasses and that I must be picking up a pair for my
parents or even my grandparents. Unfortunately, I'm sure they
were thinking, "Ah, another victim of middle age." |
| After trying on about ten pairs of these librarian glasses,
I finally settled on a small pair that was not quite half
size but wasn't full size either. I looked in the mirror and
saw Ben Franklin staring back at me. How did this happen?
When did age sneak up on me and stab me in the eyes? Reluctantly,
I purchased the glasses but decided against the attractive
silver plated neck chain as an accessory. |
| I don't usually take my glasses with me when I travel because
I'm still in denial (by the way, I misspelled denial in the
first draft of this article but didn't see it). I flew to
Palm Springs a few weeks ago and arrived after dark. I got
lost on the way to the hotel and couldn't read the rental
car map to find my way back to the main road. I pulled over
and turned on the 1-watt ceiling light. Still no luck. I added
the light from my cell phone, my PDA and then reflected the
light from a street lamp using a quarter. There was just enough
illumination for me to see that I had passed the hotel three
blocks earlier. |
| Someone once said, "There's nothing wrong with getting older,
it's when you stop getting older that the trouble starts."
I agree, but I still resist getting old. The only saving grace
is that when the old age writing is on the wall, I probably
won't see it. |
| Until next time, just humor me. |
