Observer Online | Humor Me | Battle of the Sexes

Edition of Feb. 15, 2008

Battle of the Sexes: The Case Against Men Becoming Women

Am I the only one who feels that society is trying to "mono-gender-ize" everyone by making men more feminine and women more masculine? Call me old fashioned, but I think that's a bad idea. For instance, look at these examples showing how deeply ingrained our genetic tendencies are.

• On the final night of a high school ski trip, the girls ordered pizza and milkshakes, then sat back and talked about Abercrombie, the OC, and whether the group Hanson is better looking now or when they were kids. The boys had a flatulence competition.

• When my son Ryan was 18 months old, we gave him a toy tractor that had been stored in the closet until he was old enough to play with it. Prior to that, he'd only played with "gender neutral" toys that were squeakable, chewable and drool repellent. When we handed Ryan the tractor, his eyes lit up like Bill Clinton on eHarmony. It was a natural attraction.

• In graduate school, my professor said that men, on average, die 10 years earlier than women. He asked if we had any idea why. I said, "Perhaps it's because the women nag the men to death." It took me a good three months to apologize to the women for that uniquely male, ill-timed, and yet very funny comment.

Testosteronism is hardwired into the male DNA and if we try to change that, we're likely to experience a global implosion of Hiroshimic proportions.

As a therapist, I am trained to listen attentively to all of my clients' problems. Do you realize how hard that is for me? I don't care. It's not that I'm antisocial. I'd just rather offer a solution or talk about my own problems than to listen to someone else drone on and on about how much of a problem their problem is. Blah, blah, blah.

Women, on the other hand, can listen to each other's problems for hours and not only do they feel better about the problem, they feel better about each other—and they don't even discuss a solution! Can you imagine what would happen if your mechanic did that?

"Mr. Johnson, I'm going to get a couple of no-whip, skim lattes and you're going to sit right down and tell me about this alternator problem you're having. Now, start at the beginning and don't leave anything out. Mmm…uh-huh… typical. Well, don't you blame yourself for a minute. Here's a tissue."

Yikes.

I've heard it said that women are equal to men. But they're not. And men are not equal to women. It's a different kind of mathematical equation that involves inverse relationships and unknown variables (believe me, lots of unknown variables). But it's not an "equal" thing. However, should women be treated equally when it comes to work, pay, benefits, etc.? Of course they should (as long as they don't get paid more than me) but when it comes to thinking, emoting, problem solving, etc., we're different.

In the corporate world, two men can argue intensely about the format of the annual report and then have a beer together afterwards. The act of competition creates a strange bond that is welded more firmly by alcohol and when the time is right, flatulence. And the issue is never revisited because, quite honestly, the memory processes required interfere with the male brain's ability to retain Brett Favre's passing statistics and the "important" page numbers from the most recent Victoria's Secret catalog.

Women, on the other hand, can have a business "discussion" about the color scheme for the annual report and end up losing a week of sleep because "if she prefers that color, she must really hate me." The act of competition is personal and involves a gland buried deep in the cerebellum that connects to a memory of a cheerleading "incident" in the 10th grade. However, two women will eventually make up when one of them experiences some sort of personal tragedy requiring a long, active-listening session at Starbucks (not at the table, mind you, but in the two soft chairs which are angled toward one another). At this point, the women's bond is not only stronger than anything a man can muster, it's typically flatulence free.

Men and women are different, and I think it's OK. Personally, I enjoy my women soft and my men rough, if you know what I mean, and I'd prefer that it stay that way.

Oops, gotta go. My wife wants me to change the laundry. Until next time, just humor me.